


If Only I'd Told You

by lilith_wnchstr



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Coda, First Kiss, Fix-It of Sorts, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27440086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilith_wnchstr/pseuds/lilith_wnchstr
Summary: He never planned on getting a partner anyway. His love for Cas wouldn't go away, Dean knew that much.The realisation that it would be onesided had hurt, but it was still better than being alone.So the fact that his feelings were not only requited but they had been for the entire time they knew each other came as a big surprise.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 162





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I saw 15x18 and I cried. I laughed, I cried, I was inspired and wrote this.  
> As always, thanks to my wonderful cousin for being my beta and proofreading this in less than an hour.  
> I hope you enjoy!

_I love you._

Those words seemed to linger in the deafening silence left behind after... After.

Dean couldn't believe it. He had waited for this moment for almost twelve years.

_I love you._

All he ever wanted was for Cas to love him. To reciprocate his feelings and now that he knew Cas did-

He didn't dare finish that thought. Losing Cas again after _that_ was too much, hell, losing him at all was too much.

Chuck and Amara were gone, off to somewhere to undoubtedly plan earth's destruction. And what was Dean doing? He was sitting on the floor, crying over his lost love like some chick in a shitty romcom movie.

_I love you._

Instead of being with his brother, helping him make sure those people were okay, Dean was being pathetic.

The fact that he'd fallen for Cas in the first place had been hard to accept. His father having beat him into shape that one time he caught Dean kissing a boy. Everytime he'd moved he'd felt like dying.

Sammy had to take him to a hospital, his injuries too serious to treat without medical training.

Ever since then he'd never thought about guys in that context again, he wasn't allowed to.

Sure, there had been some moments when the soft curves in his dreams had turned into sharp lines. Holding him down, making him submit, gentle, demanding, taking his worries away.

But that happened in his dreams, Dean had no control over his dreams.

He'd told himself that it came from being by himself for too long, his father always hunting, his brother gone, probably off to college to have the life Dean always wanted.

He had shoved those images to the back of his mind, swearing to never think of them again and failing everytime. Shame creeping through him after, lying on a bed in a cheap motel by himself, thinking how out of all the ways he failed John, this would be the hardest to bear.

He saw people when he was travelling. People who were content with being themselves. Two guys holding hands while walking down the street, two women kissing at an ice café, a child, they couldn't have been older than thirteen, wearing a shirt with the label "Binary? Nah, I got the limited edition."

And Dean envied them, he wanted to be like them, he wanted to feel okay with himself. But he couldn't. Because Dean wasn't allowed to have thoughts like that.

So he buried any attraction he'd ever had for any man and tried to forget about it. Seeking pleasure in women and alcohol. Because surely, if he liked women he couldn't like guys, right?

And so it continued, Dean living without _living,_ repressing a part of himself over and over until he almost forgot about it.

That is until Castiel saved him.

At first Dean was scared, not knowing why he felt the way he felt. His stomach making that weird falling sensation everytime Cas so much as looked at him, his cheeks heating up when Cas stood too close.

He went on for years without knowing the cause of his reactions to Cas, it was most likely because Cas was the first person to accompany them Dean didn't consider one of his relatives. It was only natural to feel flustered when the first person to come into your life after years of being alone with his father or brother kept staring at you.

It took Cas having sex with April and dying for him to realise that his feelings for the angel were more than just platonic.

The pain he'd felt in that moment had been overwhelming, like someone had grabbed his heart and slowly started squeezing it until nothing was left of it.

So Dean did what he did best, he buried those feelings along with the dreams that had started again. Except this time they weren't about a random dude. No, they were about Cas. Pinning him down, holding him, kissing him until there was no air left in his lungs.

And that was perhaps the scariest part, dreaming of sweet and tender moments.

Dean had started researching, he'd found out there were more sexualities than just gay and straight. And at night when he was alone with his thoughts he might have considered himself bisexual. Of course he didn't tell anybody, especially not Sam or Cas. The rational part of his brain knew they would accept him but there was still one tiny part that stopped him, afraid of being abandoned by the only people who he had actually considered family over the years.

Dean was fine with hiding that part of himself if it meant keeping Sam and Cas.

He never planned on getting a partner anyway. His love for Cas wouldn't go away, Dean knew that much.  
The realisation that it would be onesided had hurt, but it was still better than being alone.

So the fact that his feelings were not only requited but they had been for the entire time they knew each other came as a big surprise.

But of course Cas had to tell him that the second before he died, not giving Dean any time to react. That stupid smile on his face like just _being_ with Dean was enough. Like it didn't hurt everytime he looked at him.

And then he was gone. Just absorbed into The Empty. Gone. Forever.

Dean would never get the chance to hold him, to kiss him, hell, to just _sit next to him_ ever again.

_I love you._

He let his head drop against the wall of the bunker, coldness seeping into his back, reminding him how he would never feel Castiel's warmth again.

The tears had long since stopped flowing, his eyes red and dry from all the crying.

_I love you._

Dean didn't know how long it had been until he finally managed to stand up.

It was like he was in a daze, calling Sam, telling him he was okay, hanging up when asked about Cas, walking to his room, sinking down on his bed, staring at nothing.

_I love you._

If he could have at least said it back, kissed Cas once. Maybe that would have lessened the pain.

_I love you._

What if...

_I love you._

What if he could tell Cas? The Empty wasn't asleep, which meant some of its occupants could be awake, too.

_I love you._

Dean looked around the room, it seemed colder now that he knew Cas wasn't going to come in any minute.

_I love you._

So for the first time in what felt like years he knelt down to pray.

_Cas? I- I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know where you are or how to get there but god help me I will find a way._   
_What you said about me-_   
_Cas, man, you're my best friend. If you'd told me about the deal I could have helped you, I would have found a way if you'd only said something._   
_I would do anything for you, I hope you know that._   
_But I suppose that's not what I wanted to tell you._   
_You said you know you can't have me. But-_   
_Man, this is harder than I thought._   
_I think what I'm- what I'm trying to say is that-_   
_Fuck, why is this so hard._

He took a deep breath, his voice shaking with emotions.

_For years I wanted it to be true, hoped for it to be true. There were few things I wanted more than you loving me._   
_Sadly one of those was keeping you in my life. I didn't believe you loved me. I hoped, but I didn't believe. I was convinced you'd hate me if I told you._   
_I love you, Cas. I have loved you for a long time. You were the reason I didn't stop fighting. Do you know how many times I thought about driving somewhere with a nice view and just ending it?_   
_I've thought about that a lot. But the thought of you kept me going._   
_I love you and I'm sorry._   
_I'm sorry about everything I never said. I'm sorry it had to end like this._   
_I love you._

Little did Dean know that somewhere, in a place beyond mortal comprehension, an angel started smiling as he drove his blade into the heart of the creature that had captured him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few wanted me to continue this so I did.  
> As always, thanks to my cousin for being my beta.  
> I hope it's good.

_Cas? I- I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know where you are or how to get there but god help me I will find a way._   
_What you said about me-_   
_Cas, man, you're my best friend. If you'd told me about the deal I could have helped you, I would have found a way if you'd only said something._   
_I would do anything for you, I hope you know that._   
_But I suppose that's not what I wanted to tell you._   
_You said you know you can't have me. But-_   
_Man, this is harder than I thought._   
_I think what I'm- what I'm trying to say is that-_   
_Fuck, why is this so hard._   
_For years I wanted it to be true, hoped for it to be true. There were few things I wanted more than you loving me._   
_Sadly one of those was keeping you in my life. I didn't believe you loved me. I hoped, but I didn't believe. I was convinced you'd hate me if I told you._   
_I love you, Cas. I have loved you for a long time. You were the reason I didn't stop fighting. Do you know how many times I thought about driving somewhere with a nice view and just ending it?_   
_I've thought about that a lot. But the thought of you kept me going._   
_I love you and I'm sorry._   
_I'm sorry about everything I never said. I'm sorry it had to end like this._   
_I love you._

Castiel stood over what was left of the entity that had once been The Empty, his vessel covered in black slime and yet he couldn't stop smiling.

It wasn't a grim smile as one would imagine it to be in a moment like this. No, it was a genuinely happy smile. The smile of a man who'd just received the best news of his life.

Something he'd deemed impossible before had happened.

He didn't fully believe it, of course. Part of him still believed he was unworthy of just about anything. He'd hurt the brothers so many times, forgiveness would be too much to ask, love even more so.

Cas wiped his blade on the already ruined trenchcoat. He didn't know what was going to happen next. He'd just done something no one had ever accomplished before, after all. Castiel had just killed an eternal being. The only of its kind.

He stared at the black puddle, remembering his deal, wondering what would happen now that he'd killed his captor.

_A moment of true happiness._

He'd done it, hadn't he? He'd felt real happiness for the first time in years. For the first time it hadn't been overshadowed by an impending apocalypse looming over him, preventing him from ever truly relaxing.

For the first time Castiel had just _been._

No doubts on his mind, no fear of consequences. Just Dean Winchester.

_To save Dean Winchester. I mean that was your goal, right? You draped yourself in the flag of Heaven but ultimately it was all about saving one human._

Dean had been his mission at first, a mere mortal. A second in Castiel's life, gone in a heartbeat. Until he wasn't.

He hadn't known his feelings. He hadn't known he could _have_ feelings back then. He'd thought the tingly sensations he felt when Dean touched him were because his soul was pure.

Castiel had gone through the years without knowing the extent of his feelings, unaware that his thoughts about pulling Dean closer and kissing him senseless were more than just mere curiosity about the intricacies of human relationships.

Then the whole Naomi thing had happened. Forced to kill his best friend over and over and over again he struggled against her hold on him but something was preventing him from actually breaking it.

Later he would realise it was the fact that they'd pleaded for their own life, something Dean wouldn't do.

On that day he noticed his feelings had grown far deeper than he'd wanted them to. They had taken root deep in his heart and reached out to the soul pure as Heaven itself, caressing it, holding it close, intent on never letting go again.

Castiel had learned that feelings like that were bad for friendships. So he'd followed Dean's example and buried them far in the back of his mind. Never saying anything when his heart got broken yet again by Dean choosing a woman over him. Both unaware of the longing glances sent their way.

He let out a heavy sigh. Now he was never going to get what he wanted.

Then just as he turned to walk away from the puddle he'd left behind he felt something.

It was barely noticeable at first, a quiet and fuzzy yet loud and sharp sound almost, reaching out to his grace. Finding every scar that had ever been left, every little scratch, every imprint other souls had left on him.

He felt panic taking over his senses as it started enveloping his grace, the noise getting louder by the second.

Castiel desperately tried to call his grace, tried to get it to fight back but too much of it was already swallowed by that sound, leaving behind a dark and empty space of nothingness.

His breathing started to quicken, unable to get the desperately needed air. This was not good.

The sound was almost unbearably loud now.

Unable to take another step Castiel fell to his knees, hands clutching at his ears, hopelessly trying to get his grace to work.

In his panic induced haze he failed to notice the silhouette forming in front of him. The noise in his head reaching a crescendo and stopping, leaving a gaping hole where his grace had been.

Then something leaned over him, a voice coming from seemingly everywhere started speaking.

_You don't know what you have done, do you? Foolish. Stupid._

Castiel was still cowering on the ground, desperately trying to breathe. It seemed easier now that the creature was there with him.

_Meddling with things bigger than yourself._   
_Foolish. Stupid. Reckless._

He didn't know if he was actually hearing words, it was like he just understood the meaning of what the thing was saying. Its form seemed to shift, not staying the same for even a second, yet not changing at all.

_You wonder what I am, don't you, Angel of Thursday?_

Before he could even answer something like a laugh echoed around him.

_I can hear your thoughts, Seraph. I know what you want to know. I know what you want to hear. I know about every thought you've ever had. I know your desires. I know who you love. I know who you were. I know who you_ **_are_ ** _._

Somehow that simple sentence was enough to bring the panic back, stronger than before, taking him under, holding him down, making him curl in on himself even more.

Something about this entity had just shifted, its previously pleasant voice had changed, a sharp edge to it now.

_You killed my sibling!_

He felt himself being lifted off the ground, his eyes fixed on the pattern he assumed was carrying him, unable to do anything but stare, frozen in terror.

_You killed The Empty. My sibling and captor._   
_You freed me and I am grateful for it, but I can't let you get away unpunished. That's not how I work._

He was moving, stars passing him by, nebulas surrounding him for split seconds. Finally his curiousity defeated his fear.

"What are you?"

The creature let out another laugh.

_I am Everything. Maybe I have never existed, yet will I forever be here. I am Light where my sibling was Darkness. I am Something where my sibling was Nothing. But I suppose that's not the answer you wanted._

The stars around him had gained speed, passing him by until everything was a blur of colours.

_I am The Universe, Castiel._

Suddenly there was silence. Castiel was falling. Through stars, galaxies, time even, not that he was aware of it, but there was not a single sound.

It felt like he was falling forever.

And just when he thought he couldn't take it anymore he landed on something. Hard. Every bit of air in his lungs was forced out, the world going dark.

When he came to his senses, there was a soft noise. It sounded like someone was crying. The wet sniffs seemingly deafening after his time in silence.

"I- I am so sorry I couldn't save you. I never wanted this. I never- I never wanted it to end like this."

There was rustling, more sniffing.

"Why did it have to end like this? I-"

Emotions seemed to overcome the owner of the voice. Castiel felt like he knew this voice, like it was too familiar, like it was part of him.

"After it took you I was paralised. I'm sorry I didn't try to get you back. I'm sorry."

He felt the surface he was apparently lying on shift slightly, fabric rustling softly.

"I hope you're still there. Sam said your body was alive so I guess I'll just hope..."

The next moments were filled with someone obviously trying to hold back tears and failing miserably.

"What you said... Cas, what you... Did you mean it?"

Suddenly everything was back. Cas was back in control of his body. His memories rushing into his head so fast he sucked in a surprised gasp, obviously startling the person next to him, judging by the yelp and crash that followed.

"CAS?"

Opening his eyes turned out to be harder than he'd thought. Light blinding him when he finally succeded.

"Cas?! Castiel? Can you hear me? Cas?"

Everything was too loud, too bright, too _much._

Something was touching his cheeks, cradling them.

Cas groaned. Why did Dean always have to be so _loud._ He just wanted to close his eyes a bit longer.

"Yes, I can hear you."

Was that really his voice? It was croaky, like it hadn't been used in a while. His throat was dry and itchy.

"What happened, man? Are you okay? Where did you go, what happened to your deal? Did you-"

Dean's voice faltered. Then so quiet it was almost inaudible he said:

"Did you hear my prayer?"

_I love you and I'm sorry._   
_I'm sorry about everything I never said. I'm sorry it had to end like this._   
_I love you._

Warmth flooded Cas' chest as he looked at the human whose soul he'd claimed all those years ago, a smile taking over his features.

"Yes." He croaked, frowning at the horrible dryness of his throat.

Dean seemed to misinterpret that frown as a response to his prayer, his smile vanishing, eyes going wide as fear and hurt took over his face.

"You got my prayer. You got my prayer. Shit, Cas, I'm sorry. I just... I thought when you said... Look, I-"

"Dean-"

"No, Cas, I'm sorry. I thought you meant it like... Well, uhm, I thought you meant you- you loved me. Like more than friends. And I just... I- I- I'm sorry. Can we just forget about it? Like it's okay, I know now that you don't actually... You're straight. I know that, I just, I don't know, thought maybe-"

He had started pacing the small space between the door to one of the bunker's hallways and the bed Cas was lying on. It was obvious he was uncomfortable and would rather do anything but this. Yet he stayed, just to make sure Cas wouldn't leave.

"I'm sorry, Cas, I hope it won't freak you out or anything." He let out a bitter laugh, hands running through his hair, messing it up even further.

"Hell, I hope you'll even _stay_ after that."

And with that Cas decided it was time to stop the miserable rambling, no matter how much his throat still hurt.

He got up, legs a little wobbly, walked towards Dean and took the other's hands into his own.

"Dean. Look at me."

Green eyes hesitantly found his own.

"Cas, I understand if you-"

A single glare from said angel stopped him midsentence.

"Will you let me talk now?"

A nod.

"Good, thank you."

He took a deep breath. Now or never.

"Dean, what I said, I meant it. You're the one who made me care. I have feelings because of you, I can feel joy and sadness and everything else thanks to you, I _am_ because of you. Thanks to you I'm not just a soldier following orders anymore."

Tears had started filling Dean's eyes. His breath trembling. Cas guessed he didn't look any better.

"Cas, I-"

"No, Dean, I heard your prayer. You got your confession, now it's my turn."

He could practically see the answer leave Dean's lips before it was even spoken.

"Well technichally you _did_ have your confession already, you know."

The confident smirk was back, but it looked like one word could bring it down, shatter the man in front of him to pieces.

So Cas did what any rational being would do.

He cupped Dean's cheeks, thumbs stroking over the stubble.

"Is this okay?"

The response came as a breathy laugh.

"Yeah, Cas. This is very- this is a lot more than okay."

If you had asked Cas ten years ago if he believed he'd ever stand in front of Dean Winchester, cupping his cheeks, feeling the other's hands on his hips, staring into his eyes and holding his breath, he would have told you you're crazy.

As it was... Well, he could barely believe it himself.

Cas leaned forward just a bit and that seemed to break Dean out of his trance.

When their lips touched it wasn't like fireworks. It was like lightning. Electricity running through their veins.

Despite all that it wasn't a rushed or messy kiss, it was soft. Filled with regret, love, promises of a future together.  
It was the best experiencd either of them had ever had.

Cas didn't know how long it had been before he broke away. Time didn't matter now that he had Dean. Really had him.

"So..."

"Yeah."

He opened his eyes, unaware of closing them in the first place and was met by an intense green stare. Dean let out a low chuckle.

"That was certainly something, Cas. I mean honestly that was... That was the best kiss I've ever had, I guess."

He started scratching the back of his head again, eyes focusing on the ground.

"So... What does that make us? Are we, like, boyfriends?"

Cas couldn't help but be endeared by Dean's awkwardness.

"Do you want us to be?"

That was enough to make Dean's eyes snap back to his. Surprise obvious on his face. He'd never seen him so vulnerable.

"You really...?"

Now it was Cas' turn to chuckle.

"Yes, Dean. I want to be your boyfriend. If I haven't made it obvious enough yet."

"Awesome! I mean, great? I- I don't know... I want to be your boyfriend, too, Cas."

"You're blushing."

"I am _not_ blushing!"

Dean lifted his hands to Cas' cheeks, looking like a boy on Christmas. Like he still couldn't believe he was allowed to lightly touch his lips with his thumb.

"So it's official? We're a couple now? Like an angel hunter couple?"

"Well..."

Cas remembered his grace, or rather lack thereof. His dry throat, his wobbly legs...   
Seeing the look of uncertainty back in Dean's eyes made him answer quickly.

"Yes, of course we're a couple. I... I just don't think I'm an angel anymore. I can't feel my grace and my throat is itchy."

"What?! And you didn't tell me?! Cas, what the hell?!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dean. I was stopping you from freaking out over your prayer to me. Next time I'll just give you more things to worry about, yes?"

Dean actually had the decency to look sheepish at that.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I don't want to fight. It's just... I don't want to lose you again, okay? I've lost you so many times, I don't think I will survive another. So just- just _tell me_ when something's wrong, okay? Anything. I'll always be here for you."

Ignoring the way it made his heart flutter Cas pulled him into a hug.

"I will, Dean. Promise."


End file.
